i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
