These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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