Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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