FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
