Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
false alarm, still single
Randomize
