Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
