Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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