I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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