Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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