My liver just broke up with me...
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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