Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
