Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
