You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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