Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
