rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
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I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
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The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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