Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
