last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
