i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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