If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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