When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
