You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
