I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
