So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
