I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
