Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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