The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
