I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
no you cant smoke seaweed
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
