I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
