Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
