If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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