Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
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