And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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