If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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