the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
