don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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