The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.