Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
