I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.