i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.