i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
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there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
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Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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