i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You know, be my cock's hype man.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
