Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
