he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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