Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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