The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
