I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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