Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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