Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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