Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
tell me about the eggs
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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