I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
