Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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