wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
