Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
