Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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