Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
