that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
