Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
