I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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