Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
