I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
