last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
